There is a terrible parasite that can be seen throughout the military community in the United States. It goes unseen by the general public and the US government refuses to acknowledge its existence and the severity of the problem. Those with any time spent in the deep labyrinth of the US military have first hand accounts and know many a Joe who has fallen to these vicious leeches.

What is this unspeakable evil that has engulfed the military so? Why are there so many of our innocent American fighting men falling prey to it? To answer these questions, one must give a deep background into the mentality and conditions of the average enlisted Joe. For the sake of clarity, these descriptions tend to apply to males.

Most enlisted men in the military join from the ages 17-20, have no to some college education, and come from lower to lower-middle class families. Individual motivations greatly differ, from patriotism, adventure, college money, a step-up in life, heartbreak, or plain out boredom with their current state in life. For the most part, once they finish basic training, advance individual training, and whatever additional schools they go to, they end up at their unit with more money in their bank accounts than they have ever possessed in their lives.

Going from being broke to having a significantly higher level of expendable income is more than Joe’s fiscally illiterate mind can handle. They go to the mall and buy expensive clothes, shoes, big screen TV’s, video games, laptops, eat fancy dinners, and will even sign a loan of 13.99%APR on car that costs more than their annual income.

You’re probably thinking that fiscal irresponsibility is the parasite, but it’s not, that’s just the cut that attracts the true bloodsucker. Many Joe’s fall for the lowest of the low, the women who prey on men in uniform. These women tend to be overweight, ugly, and severely uneducated. We’re not talking about not having a college degree uneducated, we’re talking about where it’s questionable that they’ve ever read a book that didn’t have picture that popped out uneducated. What these women lack in redeeming human qualities they make up tenfold in shrewdness and shameless manipulation.

These living potato sacks will congregate at the local malls, dive bars, WalMarts, and under 21 night clubs in hopes of finding a military man that they can sink their whorish claws into. You see, Joe is very lonely, is away from home, and everything he has ever known. He lives in the barracks and if he’s in a combat arms unit, is surrounded by men most of his days. He doesn’t have access to the social life that most 18-22 college students do, where cute girls are in overabundance and meeting new people occurs frequently. His main social circle is the men in his squad and platoon, most of who are also not locals. So Joe goes off in search of companionship in the local community.

One day, poor, lonely Joe meets one of these creatures while walking around the mall. She is receptive of his advances since she can tell he is in the military by his high-and-tight and slim physique. Joe, desperate for companionship, is willing to overlook the many physical and character flaws this woman obviously possesses and instead focus on her not so unsightly features. Justifying to himself that he can at least pee in her butt until he finds someone better.

Oh, poor naive Joe, he thinks this devious wench will just let him leave that easily. She will speak grandly of her plans in life. How she wants to go back to school and get her degree, how she wants to lose the extra pounds in her body, and how she’s meaning to read more, but her job as a cashier at WalMart is too taxing. Joe will start to believe that this woman isn’t too bad after all. He is lonely, she is a decent fuck, and he is making okay money. He hasn’t really had much success with other women. The wench knows Joe isn’t doing too bad with that fancy car and big screen TV he possesses in his barracks room. She knows that military men have health insurance and if she can lock one down into marriage, she can get it too. Something her trailer trash roots would never have thought possible.

Joe is getting sick of living in the barracks and in its twisted logic;the military rewards service members who make poor decisions in their lives; such as getting married, with a pay boost called Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH). Simply by getting married to some random whore, Joe can nearly double his pay for doing the exact same job. Little does he know that the wench has made the decision for him. She is now pregnant with what is supposedly his child. She paints a fancy picture of the beautiful life they can have together and how she will forever support him. Joe, being a semi-honorable man, decides to do what is right and gets married to the mother of “his” child.

It’s all down hill from there. She spurts out child after child. Compounds her body size significantly and wears a faded, XXXL sized “Proud Military Spouse” shirt every where she goes. To compliment it, she also has a “Spouse: Hardest Job in the Military” bumper sticker to gain pity about how tough her life is. What about her dreams of going to college? All a ruse to make her seem like she has real ambitions other than being a leech. She quits her job at Wal-Mart and never gets another, claiming to be too overwhelmed by the children. She often cheats on Joe while he is doing a training exercise in the field or while he is deployed.

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Joe’s life is miserable, this woman is the bane of his existence. But he can’t do anything about it. He is trapped in the military for the next couple of years, working 60-80 hours a week for what now seems like shit pay since his ogre of a wife spends it all and has maxed out his credit cards. He gets treated like shit at work and gets treated like shit at home. Joe sees no way out. He only joined the military because he wanted to go to war and kill people, then so he could go to college using his GI Bill. He is forced to reenlist for another four years. How else is he going to support a wife and three kids who may or may not be his?

Joe’s problems don’t end there though. One night he drinks a few too many with his boys back in the barracks and comes home drunk out of his mind. He vents out his frustration at the wife and how he thinks she is a whore and questions whether the kids are his and then passes out. The wench, seeing an opportunity, calls the police, has Joe arrested and claims that he hit her. Now, Joe is on lock down in the barracks ordered by his chain of command. The wench now has free-reign to get gang banged by other service members who don’t know Joe. Mean while, Joe is hapless, so he resorts to using his own tears for lube when he jerks off. They eventually get divorced, Joe’s bank account is depleted, has his pay garnished to pay for kids he later finds out aren’t his, but since the law sides with the “poor, victimized” woman, is forced to pay for anyways. A week later he uses the little bit that is left of his pay check to celebrate his 21st birthday.

~Raul Felix

You liked that you little wench? Have some more: Four Things You Didn’t Think of Before Joining the Army.