3 Winning PR Strategies For Muslim Extremists

Just like reality-TV stars, Muslim extremists are attention whores who have no qualms about doing the dirty work to get YouTube hits, social-media buzz, and mainstream coverage. Since nobody likes Muslim extremists—especially other Muslim extremists because they are not extreme enough—they need to think outside the Kaaba to get some sympathy and support for their cause. It used to be in the good ol’ days of terrorism that you could release a grainy, poorly produced video of Osama bin Laden wearing combat fatigues, toting an AK-47, threatening to crush the Great American Satan, and chanting “Allahu Akbar,” and the media would cover it around the clock.

But in the Internet era, most people aren’t impressed, shocked, or threatened by such tactics, so any fledging terrorist organization must adjust their public-relations strategies. Therefore, aspiring jihadist, take these lessons from your fellow terrorist cohorts.

1) The Hamas Crybaby Method

You know your piece-of-shit country stands no chance against those money-grubbing Jew bullies in Israel. Why don’t they understand that their mere existence is offensive to your twisted take on Islam and thus must be wiped out off the face of the Earth? Well, if you can’t bring them down to their knees militarily, you could make the world see how evil they truly are by starting a war with them and then avoiding all responsibility for starting it.

First order of business is to begin launching rockets indiscriminately into Israel’s southern cities. Well, you’ve already been doing that all along but now it’s time to do it harder and faster. After you launch hundreds of rockets, the big Jew machine will get annoyed and kill a few dozen of your men.

You begin surrounding your fighters with women and children. Then you begin another rocket-launching campaign with the result being that some of your men, women, and children get killed. Great fucking job, Abu! Now you must parade the bloody corpses of your civilian casualties through the streets to capture the international media’s much-coveted attention. Dead women and children are like Viagra to the media.

Don’t be nervous, but now it’s your moment in the spotlight, so don’t fuck this up. This is where you begin to cry about the brutal treatment the Israelis have dealt you through no fault of your own. You must then publish photos and videos of your dead civilians and distribute them. Don’t worry if some of those photos are actually from the Syrian Civil War; to the rest of the world, all you Arabs look the same and no one will be the wiser. It’s essential that you toss all logic out the window. You’re a Muslim extremist and that shit isn’t in your lexicon. Shout out pressing questions like: “How dare they defend themselves from our rocket attacks?” “How dare they hold us accountable for our terrorist actions?” “Why won’t they share the Iron Dome technology with us?” “Because they’re conniving Jews and must be exterminated, that’s why! Allahu Akbar!”

Employing the Hamas Crybaby Method is a simple and effective way to get the world media to sympathize with your cause. It’s been proven time and again to garner support from the European Union and bleeding-heart liberals in the United States. People from all over the world who believe your propaganda will hold pro-Palestine rallies under the guise of Islam being the religion of peace and will physically attack anybody who dares wave the Israeli flag. Fortunately for you, reporting on irony is not nearly as sexy as blaming the Jews.

2) Bring realistic shock value to your audience.

ISIL is the new, hip, tech-savvy kid on the terrorist block. It’s an organization that blends conventional and terrorist military tactics so effectively that it has been able to overrun northern Iraq quickly and easily. But even then, ISIL realized that people were getting bored with seeing the same old videos of mass murder with Hajis yelling out “Allah is great” as they shot up their theological and political rivals. They knew they needed to do something big to get the public to care about terrorism again.

Like Hollywood rebooting an old film, they decided to revisit the tried and true route of beheading a journalist—but for the first time ever in HD! High-definition footage made the viewer feel like he had a front-row seat at the terrible slaughter of James Foley. Yet HD wasn’t enough.

The ISIL think tank realized that most people are too lazy to read subtitles. While they may say some menacing shit in Arabic, most people only hear, “Derka derka derka, jihad, Muhammad.” They needed to get someone who spoke the infidel’s language to strike terror into their hearts. Why not a British jihadist?

The key to this kind of operation is to go for broke. Make completely delusional claims like you’re going to topple the most powerful nation on Earth and have your flag waving over their White House. Release additional videos of a prepubescent kid spewing out his hatred toward America. This will sound eerily familiar to the shit nearly every single prepubescent kid in America says to their parents. In turn, this will get the news outlets and political pundits talking about you so quickly that your organization will become a household name. This is essential for recruiting future martyrs to your cause.

3) Always exploit PC sympathies.

The great thing about being a Muslim extremist is that no matter how evil your organization is and how many innocent people you kill, you will have brothers and sisters under Allah who will publicly condemn your actions and say you’re just a bad egg and not a true representative of the religion of peace. Also, you will be able to make use of those same people to give sanctuary to your sleeper cells while you plot your next attack on the kaffir.

While the West’s military has the biggest cock in the world, its PC leaders often cockblock it. You must exploit this weakness to the best of your ability. One of the worst things anyone in the West can be labeled is a racist. It’s political kryptonite for a politician to admit they hold any religion or race of people in suspicion, no matter how consistently and repeatedly vicious the members of a religious sect are. Remember, even though you kill other Muslims for not being the right type of Muslims, Westerners are the Islamophobes for searching your Muslim brothers and sisters at the airport. Racist fucking pigs!

Make sure to send imams on their talk shows who will tout the glories of Sharia law and how people are happier under those laws, while they totally ignore the fact that they left their country of origin to get away from Sharia law. Then have the imam cry racism if the talk-show host dares to use any form of logic to contradict his statements.

If you’re smart and play your cards right, you’ll be able to win over the West’s liberals to your cause. They don’t see you as a dangerous threat, but rather a misunderstood people who have been beaten down and exploited. No one understands and sympathizes with your plight better than a middle-class white girl from the suburbs sporting dreadlocks who got a degree in Middle Eastern Relations from a liberal-arts college. As much you may hate to do it, you’ll have to bite the bullet and accept the support from effeminate hipster guys in turtlenecks and kufi caps. Patience, young jihadists—you’ll get to kill that cocksucker soon enough. But right now you need them to be your useful idiot.

The West can’t be beaten through conventional means. You must wage the PR war against them. You must shame them into submission and place all the blame for your actions onto them. The West is a prima donna who can’t handle any form of criticism and is always asking if her butt looks big. Tell the bitch her butt looks huge. The truth doesn’t matter; what matters is what is perceived to be true. Now you’re ready to take down the Great Satan! Allahu Akbar!

~Raul Felix

This piece appeared on Ranger Up.
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She Held Her Newborn Daughter In Her Arms

She held her newborn daughter in her arms.
Tiny, delicate, pink, precious, amazing, perfect.

They had just met! How could this be?
She thinks back to the moment she found out it was a girl.
The possible names she and her husband considered,
How she would examine and caress her ever growing belly,
Eager to meet the little person who was growing within.

What kind of person would have her daughter been like?
What would have her voice, tantrums, and laughter have sounded like?
What would have been her first word?
What would have been her favorite toys, songs, and activities?
This she will never know.

She held her newborn daughter in her arms.
Beautiful, pure, lovely, light, innocent, soft.
She isn’t ready to have her leave this embrace,
She holds her a bit longer.

She sees a dove flying as she walks out the hospital,
That little piece of herself is gone,
Will she ever be whole again?

~Raul Felix

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Why Do You Struggle?

There are those days when you wonder,
Why the fuck are you even going through the struggle?
You’re making no progress,
Wheels spinning,
Failure after failure,
False start after false start.
Perhaps, it’d be better to call it quits
Settle for mediocrity.

Mediocrity isn’t that bad,
You can have a nice quiet life,
Full of normal experiences and things,
The typical shit.
Be another man who didn’t really matter.

It’s disgusting to think of your fate in that manner isn’t it?
That’s why you struggle.
Because its better to burn attempting greatness,
Giving it your heart and soul,
Than it is never have done much at all,
And wonder, “What if?”

~Raul Felix

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12 Things Only Veterans Of The Global War On Terrorism Will Understand

SGT Brian Kohl, 55th Combat Camera, US Army

SGT Brian Kohl, 55th Combat Camera, US Army

There are some things about the deployment experience that will cause a veteran to look off into the distance as he quietly remembers those days in vivid detail. There other are things that he will totally forget until something random sparks his memory and causes him to shake his head at the silliness of it all. This is a list dedicated to those little nuances about being deployed that you can’t experience in the real world.

1. The Smell of Iraq

One of the most significant moments a soldier has is when he gets his first nose full of the thick Iraqi air. It’s a smell that’s nearly impossible to find anywhere else in the world. A combination of burned garbage, desert heat spoiling everything, spilled sewage, and the Cradle of Civilization getting old and senile.

2. Rip-Its

An off-brand energy drink that came to be the go-to caffeine infusion for many a troop before a mission. Got the call to go hit an objective? As you head toward the ready room, you’ll always make to sure to take a quick stop at the MWR (Morale, Welfare, Recreation) facility in order to grab one or four 6-ounce cans and put them in your cargo pockets. You never know if this is going to be a simple three-hour mission or an all-nighter. Best to carry a full battle load.

3. Pirated Movies From the Haji Bazaar

Through the generations, boredom has always been a major enemy for the man on the ground to fight off. With the nonexistent copyright laws of the Middle East, American troops have found themselves able to procure full series of their favorite TV shows for only a few bucks thanks to enterprising Hajis eager to make a semi-honest buck. Whole squads and sections will partake in marathon viewings of The OC, Scrubs, Lost, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. They’ll form educated and fully developed opinions and theories on the show’s characters. It becomes a huge annoyance to get called up for a mission in the middle of a particularly juicy episode.

4. Piss Bottles

You’re en route to a mission in a helicopter or a Stryker. Those Rip-Its you drank are going right through you, and you’re not even close to getting to your objective. Since you ain’t no cherry, you came prepared for this event. You take out the Gatorade bottle that also doubles as your spitter. You unbutton the front of your pants, slightly hunch over, shove your dick in the bottle, and take a piss that fills it to the top. You seal the top. As you get on target, you toss it into pile of garbage on the side of the road. There’s an off chance that a Haji kid will think it’s just yellow Gatorade and drink it.

5. Care Packages Filled With Useless Shit No One Wants

Teaching a rather insightful lesson of good intentions does not always equal good execution, the MWR facilities will at times be packed with care packages from well-intentioned people eager to get rid of their useless shit. The occasional care package will have goodies such as fun-sized Snickers, Hot Cheetos, Gatorade powder packs, and other shit you actually want. Others will contain generic Halloween candy, pocket Bibles, crappy disposable Bic razor blades, some cheap electronic mini-game that breaks five minutes after you start playing it, and a coupon book that expired six months ago.

6. Unintentionally Grim Cards From Kids

A good way for a kindergarten teacher to fulfill her patriotic duty and kill an hour of class time while she nurses her hangover is to have her students draw and write up cards in crayon to send to GIs overseas. The GIs will receive a crude drawing of stick figure soldiers shooting at shit and tanks that also have wings while shooting out flames and random stars plastered throughout with captions such as “Tank U for my Fredum Solgier, pleeze don’t lose yor legs,” or “Kill people with towels on their heads. USA!”

7. Rushing To The Chow Hall After A Mission

“Fuck, I’m starving. If this mission isn’t over soon, there is no way we are going to make it back in time for mid-rats. Fuck, today is Mexican Monday. My favorite!” many a Joe has thought to himself while on target. Chow is always on a soldier’s mind. In fact, having hot chow is one of life’s pleasures he’d never willingly miss. Since this is the Global War on Terrorism, there is a surprising amount of food variety cooked by cheap Filipino and Ethiopian labor.

“Holy shit, we have five minutes before chow closes,” Joe will announce to his buddies as they get back to the compound. Covered in sweat, dirt, and mud, the whole platoon will rush to the chow hall to ensure they don’t have to wait until breakfast to get their next meal.

8. Hard Drive Full of Porn

Unless you’re in a unit with females, you’re not going to be getting any pussy whatsoever if you’re deployed. Yet you’re a young, testosterone-filled freedom machine with a sack full of semen that needs to be released at regular intervals. Advances in technology have not only made quality porn cheap and accessible for the masses, it’s quite common for a soldier to have a whole external hard drive full of porn geared toward his own deviant desires. With his laptop and jack-shack you make out of your bunk bed with some extra sheets, you’re ready to give your privates some hands-on action. Or if times are truly desperate, you can always go jerk in the Port-A-Potty.

9. The Deployment-Eight

Just because you aren’t getting any pussy doesn’t mean you won’t see females. If fact, you’ll see them throughout the installation doing various jobs. You’ll see the occasional prize specimen of femininity, but more often you’ll see chicks you wouldn’t fuck with your buddy’s dick. A couple of months of not having any sexual contact with females will have you creating elaborate fantasies about that one Air Force E-6 you always see at the chow hall with the buck teeth, horrible acne, and a totally flat chest. Yet she does have a big ass that even a military uniform can’t hide. Oh, what you wouldn’t give to have those cellulite-covered ass cheeks bouncing off your dick.

10. Overhearing Your Buddy Argue With Their Significant Other On The Phone

“You’re a fucking stupid cunt. I’m going to fucking kill you and that motherfucker when I get back home,” you’ll casually overhear one of your buddies say to his significant other as you use an Army computer to Facebook-stalk chicks you used to like in high school. Since you’re doing some rather important stuff for national security, all forms of communication you have with the rest of the world are being monitored. This means that there is very little privacy when it comes to telephone conversations that everyone in the room can hear.

11. The Smell of Haji

The locals have a uniquely foul body odor to them. Whether it’s because they live in a shit hole and can’t shower regularly, their diet, or other social/economical factors that we don’t understand, there is no denying it. You can smell a local from ten to fifteen feet away. Wearing leather gloves is mandatory on missions, so it helps out when you have to handle a Haji from point A to B. Their smell will funk up your gloves for a day or two.

12. Scraggly, Feral Dogs of Various Breeds

There are many feral dogs of nearly any kind of breed you can think of roaming the streets of Iraq. They’ll travel in packs digging through rubble and garbage looking for something to eat. You’ll see little Yorkshire Terriers who answered the call of the wild running alongside German Shepherds and Labrador Retrievers. Most of the dogs are not pure breeds and are so deeply intermixed that you can’t even begin to guess what type of breed they are. The dogs will usually avoid American troops, making them smarter than your average terrorist.

~Raul Felix

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