Monthly Archives: September 2013

The Pick-Up Follies: The Snow Fatty

Posted on by Standard 8

I was in my seat on an airplane in between two very attractive women. Yet, I was unable to talk them. My breath stank and I reeked of booze, smoke, desperation, fat girl spit, and body odor. Normally, I would have started a little coy conversation in effort to see if there was a connection, but not this time. This time, I sat there in silence brooding on the foul odor that had been cast upon my body. God was just, I was being punished for the sins I had committed the previous night.

We had spent two weeks in late October 2008 on a training trip in Fort Bragg. After doing our military training for the day, we spent nearly every night of those two weeks getting hammered beyond reason or recourse. It was our last night in North Carolina and we decided to have one final hurrah before heading back to Washington. “Jonathan” and I tried to rally up a bunch of the guys to go out, but most rejected the idea knowing that we had an early morning flight to catch. We were able to get a humble group, “Blitzy”, “Tiburón”, “Jonathan”, and I to go out.

We rode through the mean streets of Fayetteville to a bar called Doghouse Bar & Grill. The place was refreshingly different from the typical bars you see outside military bases. The amount of high and tights with off-duty soldiers wearing their dog tags outside their t-shirts as a fashion accessory was kept to a minimum. Typical of southern bars, there was a cloud of cigarette smoke that engulfed the whole place. There was a live band playing country music, cheap beers, and a decent female to male ratio.

Since I always keep my head on a swivel looking for attractive women to hit on and promptly get rejected by, I noticed there was only one really hot chick in the whole entire place. Our drinks came and we made a toast to the good times and to 2/75. I kept my eye on the hot chick and noticed that she was eye fucking the singer the whole time. After he completed one of the songs, she went up to kiss him passionately. With that kiss, went my one percent chance at success with the only hot chick. It looked like hitting on the bountiful subpar chicks of the bar were the conditions I was going to operate under.

I was drinking my alcohol at a respectable rate in order to boost my courage levels so I could actually approach women. While these days I am able to hit on a chick like nothing, back then, I still needed a good helping of alcohol to get myself to talk to one at a bar. The alcohol began to set in, ever so gently, taking over my psyche. Liquid courage had been spliced with my blood. I targeted a table made up of fuckable, but unimpressive looking women. I went in and begun speaking to one about witty and charming subject matter that surely sparked her interest. After a couple of minutes, the rest of my buddies decided to join the table. One guy in particular, Blitzy, began to hit it off with one of a generic looking chicks. Eventually, the girls tired of me and I went back to sitting at the bar alone. Blitzy was forming a true spiritual connection with the generic chick.

All the guys except for Blitzy rejoined me at the bar and we continued toasting and drinking. A couple more drinks in, I locked eyes with a woman who was in the late stages of being a cougar and in the early stages of being a sabertooth. She smiles at me, I sat there frozen not sure what to do.

Raul: “That chick is looking at me.”

Jonathan: “Go for it.”

Raul: “But she’s really old.”

Jonathan: “So? Women like that will show you some crazy ass shit that you can only dream of.”

Raul: “Really?”

Jonathan: “Yeah man.”

I walked up to her and begun flirting with her all awkwardly because I wasn’t sure how the fuck you’re supposed to hit on an older woman. She was dirty blonde, with rough skin conditioned by many a decade spent in smokey bar, and had a cigarette in her mouth. I don’t recall what we talked about or what poor excuse of seductive language I used to get her to the point of holding my hand. She pulled me close and said:

Older Woman: “You’re really cute, you should come home with me.” She squeezes my hand and places it on her thigh.

Raul: “Uh… I can’t… I have to stay here with my buddies. They’re my ride.”

Older Woman: “I’ll make sure you won’t forget it.”

Raul: “I can’t, I’m sorry.” I gave her a hug and walked back.

I’ll make no excuses about it. I pussed out because I was really intimidated by this older woman even though she wasn’t that attractive.

I rejoined my buddies and was mocked for having fucked it up with the almost-sabertooth. While my little frolic with older temptation occurred, it seemed that Blitzy had truly formed a one a kind connection with the generic chick. He went about consummating their one in a million love by fucking her doggy-style in the back seat of the van while she stuck her head out the window vomiting.

We continued to drink and were inebriated to the point where we sung along with the band. All morals and standards were being slain by the alcohol demon. Then she appeared: a paled skinned woman, with dark hair, and humongous breasts. She was like Snow White, if Snow White was about 100 pounds heavier. I didn’t care, I walked up to her.

Raul: “Let me guess, you’re drinking a Jack and Coke?”

Snow Fatty: “No, it’s a Rum and Coke, but good guess.”

Raul: “I like rum and coke, let me have a taste,” I take a sip out her drink, “Not bad.”

I introduced her to my buddies and we’re introduced to her shady looking friend “Daringer.” I got close to her and heavily flirted, touching her here and there. Fully aware that I was way above her league, I knew it was all a matter of playing the waiting game before my dick will be slaying her orifices. Eventually, the bar begins to close and Blitzy wants to go back to the motel. I asked the Snow Fatty if she could give us a ride to the airport the next morning and she agreed to do so. Snow Fatty, Tiburón, Jonathan, and I all pile into Daringer’s shitty little sedan.

We arrived at the mobile home park she calls home. She and I immediately head to the bedroom. I do my standard operating procedure of shoving her on the bed, positioning myself on top of her, and kissing her. All the while, firmly squeezing her huge breasts. I begun to undress her and that’s when the magnitude of the situation hit me. Her clothes, albeit not well, hid how fat she truly was. I had estimated a 100 pounds overweight Snow White, not a grotesque 150 pounds overweight Snow White. I made the executive decision not to fuck her, instead opting to get my dick sucked until I nutted.

I straddled on top of her, had her support her head on the pillow, and began thrusting full force into her throat. She stops me at some point and wants to fuck. I tell her that I don’t have a condom and luckily, she doesn’t have any laying around either. I continued until I busted in her hair.

I came out the bedroom and Tiburón was passed out on the couch. Jonathan and Daringer were nowhere to be found. It was nearly 4 a.m. and our flight was to leave at 7 a.m. I called Jonathan up and he told me that he went to get some cocaine with Daringer. Since they were my only ride, I began to panic a bit, but then decided that most practical solution was to sleep until they return.

At 6:15 a.m. I was awoken by the pounding of the door and my buddies voices. I scrambled to my feet and scoured the floor for my shoes. “Felix, we have to go man! Lieutenant Snuffy keeps on calling Sergeant Tiburón and he’s fucking pissed,” yells Jonathan. Fuck! I finished getting dressed and we all piled into the car. We were about 20 minutes away from the airport as Daringer drove us as quickly as his little jalopy could take us. Every five minutes en route, Lieutenant Snuffy called Tiburón to get a status report on where the fuck we were at.

At 6:35 a.m. we arrived at the airport. We stumbled out of the car and right before we were going to run off the Snow Fatty asked me, “You’re going to come back one day right? You got my number.” I smile at her and said, “Of course,” and gave her a reassuring hug and run off to the check-in. One of our buddies was on stand by with our bags and we checked in. We got through security rather quickly and ran to the gate where we met up with Lieutenant Snuffy and the rest of the men. “I don’t want to hear any of you fucking idiots speak. I’m going to take care of this shit when we get back! Got it?” He yelled.

“Roger, Sir!” we all responded. We tried our best not smile and giggle at the events that unfolded the previous night. We headed into the boarding gate and Jonathan took out his phone and showed me a picture he took of Snow Fatty. “Ugh… that’s pretty gross,” I said with disappointment. We boarded the plane and I sat in between two lovely women. That’s when I noticed how horrible I must smell.

~Raul Felix

“Tell me more about your follies of picking up women.” Here mother fucker: The Pick-Up Follies: Sleazy E’s Revenge

Into the Fray

Posted on by Standard 15

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
-Theodore Roosevelt

The past couple weeks I was fortunate enough to get a few select pieces of my work featured on Thought Catalog. With that, came the epiphany that I was writing in a secure bubble. Up to this point, most of my page views came from people who were on my Facebook, word of mouth, or people who I handed my business card to randomly. While I did get a tiny bit of sporadic haters, most of my feedback had been positive and constructive. All that changed when I exposed my misogynistic, sexist, racist, and apparently, homophobic writings to the legions of Thought Catalog readers.

While I pride myself on my rhino skin and ability take criticism like a man, I was surprised at the intense level of hatred I got towards my writings. Then as my ex-girlfriend “Little Ruskie” said to me, “You do have a rather annoying attitude towards women and call them sluts. You should expect it.” She was right. If I was going to continue to write in my aggressive, chauvinistic style, then I needed to be able to take push back from those who suffer from sand in the vagina syndrome.

I say it was a 60/30/10 split in the type of comments I got. 60% of the commenters went into a fervor intently aimed at ripping me apart because of the indignation I lashed out on women and racial issues. Some of the responses were simple as, “you are a disgusting excuse for a man,” or “Raul Felix is a second rate Tucker Max wanna be.” While other’s went rather in-depth about how I was wrong about the points I’ve made and that I’m nothing more than a misogynist, sexist, racist, and a terrible writer. Those comments clearly lacked thought in my opinion and I responded to them in a sarcastic manner because I thought it would be funny.

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The 30% were more well thought out comments that sometimes agreed with me somewhat or disagreed with me completely but brought some semblance of intelligence to the discussion. With those, I responded with the utmost respect. I’m always eager to learn, improve, and see things from another’s perspective, especially about things that I write. I had a great time having some rather insightful conversation with those people who took time to not be trolls.

10% were people who supported me, agreed with what I said, and found it humorous. I must say, I did enjoy this a lot and it was a good ego boost (like I need one) to know there are people who took what I said for what it was: satire and humor. These are the readers who motivate me to keep writing because I don’t ever want to disappoint them. I’m very thankful for their support and some of them even stood up for me in the comment section, which totally made me feel like a special little snowflake.

This is just the beginning. Despite all the negativity, no amount of hate is ever going to cause me to quit going after my dream. My dream is to be a writer, write on a professional level, and eventually evolve into one of the best wordsmiths of my generation. I have an opportunity and I’m not going to let a few jabs at my ego stop me. I feel like a young man, who has grown up his entire life in the safety of the suburbs, where people were cordial and supportive, venturing out into the big city for the first time on his own. Now, as I take my first steps into the cold, heartless city that is the writing world on a grander scale, I keep my head up and my scrappy attitude on point. I’m charging into the fray that is being a writer on a big site. It’s a place where people are more than eager to tear you down, spit on you, nit-pick every single one of your mistakes, and hope for your failure. A place where very few are your friends and most will find a reason to hate you no matter what. A place where they see your failure as a victory for themselves. Its place where you have to be strong to make it and if you’re weak, you’re going to get eviscerated.

I have a message for those who seek to see me quit: it’s not going to happen. I’m not a pussy who quivers and cries to mama when the world knocks me down. I’m not a dreamer who has these grand plans, but takes no measurable steps to achieve them. I’m not a man who talks shit, but is unable to take it return. I’ll tell you what I am. I’m a man who writes under his real name and is going after what he wants in life and isn’t afraid to tell you what he wants, feels, or thinks. I’m a man willing and putting in the hard work and long hours needed to make it in this world. I’m a man who is ready to put up with rejection, abuse, and make the sacrifices necessary in order to meet his goals. I’m a man you can’t keep down no matter how much you want to or how many of you there are. Most importantly, I am writer, whether you like it or not. I’m tapping away at the keyboard right now because I have the intestinal fortitude required to do what so many claim they are able to, but so few are actually willing to. Surrendering is not an option for me and I will be dead before I do. When I do die, whether I am world famous or an obscurity, I will have no regrets, because I went for it and didn’t look back.

~Raul Felix

“You motivate me! What else you got?” Taking The Hits