The Pick-Up Follies: Sleazy-E’s Revenge

It was all going so well. One moment I’m in with this group of girls who were totally digging me and the next I’m jumping around like a baboon trying to figure out what the fuck happened. My best friend from high school, “Sleazy-E” leering and smirking at me as his swiftly delivered revenge dealt a punishing blow to my ego. He walks up to me and says, “Revenge is a bitch.”

To make sense of this, I have to take you back to the previous weekend. I had just returned home on leave from my first deployment to Iraq. Always excited to have me back in town, Sleazy-E invited me to a house party some students from his university were hosting. Being a 19 year old kid who had not been to a real party in ages, I was more than eager to join.

We arrived at the party, which was located at some suburban house in Riverside. It was a pretty standard college party, most of the people there knowing Sleazy-E in one capacity or another. Sleazy-E pumping me up to be a big deal by saying, “This is my friend Raul and he just came back from Iraq and fought for your freedom!” to everyone he introduced me to.

Most of the college students were asking me the same standard questions they ask every veteran: “Was it hot there…” “See any of those freaky camel spiders…” “You kill anybody…” “What do you think of George W…” “Fuck any of those Arab chicks…” “I would have joined, but…” and so on.

Though it was a decent size party, the girl to guy ratio was atrocious, so I was on a scouting mission for some poon. At one point, I saw this cute blonde that Sleazy-E was talking to. Not thinking much of it, I come up and start talking to her also. As Sleazy-E and I talk and drink with her, I get the feeling she is more into me than into him.

Sleazy-E goes away for a moment and I start heavily flirting with the blonde. He returns and is boxed out and I fail to notice that he is quite upset that I have cock blocked him. Eventually, I get a peck on the lips from her and her number. We eventually leave the party, and I’m oblivious to the fact that Sleazy-E would let this event boil deep inside his core and wait for the proper moment to get revenge.

Fast forward to the next weekend. Sleazy-E’s fraternity is hosting a party and I get invited. I show up and do the standard drinking, socializing, and talking about pseudo-intellectual bull shit that college aged kids tend to talk about because they have the world figured out. I wasn’t having much success with any of the girls I was hitting on. That is, until a group of three girls took a liking to the fact that I was in the Army.

I ran with this. Talking highly of myself and my Army career for the next few years and they were eating it up. The voluptuous Latina girl who was an overall 7 was my target of choice. The group and especially the Latina grew more and more interested in me. Even allowing me to rest my hand on her leg, which is my standard move to see if it’s good to escalate to the next step. Confident that I have this locked down and they’ll wait a few minutes for me, I go to the bathroom to take a piss.

Little did that I know Sleazy-E was watching this interaction and a ploy to get even was brewing in his head. He walks up to them, makes small talk, and then drops this.

Sleazy-E: “Have you met this guy named Raul? Apparently he goes around to parties and says he is in the Army. I think that’s kind of sad. He even had a fake military ID made. But in reality he is just a garbageman.”

Girls: “What? Really?”

Sleazy-E: “Yeah, well I have to go to the bathroom. See you ladies later.”

I come back to the group of girls and notice Sleazy-E leaving them, but think nothing of it.

Raul: “Hey ladies…”

Girls: “We heard something interesting about you. Just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to lie to us. We think you’re cool and have nothing to be ashamed of.”

Raul: “Huh? What are you talking about?”

Girls: “That you’re really a garbageman.”

Raul: “What? No I’m not! I’m a fucking soldier!”

Girls: “Come on now, someone told us that you say that to impress girls. Its kind of messed up you know? There are real soldiers out there risking their lives. Just because you aren’t one doesn’t mean you’re not a valuable part of a society.”

Raul: “What the fuck! But I am a fucking soldier! I just got back from Iraq! Here is my military ID to prove it.”

Girls: “We heard you got a fake one. That’s really sad.”

Raul: “What the fuck? I’m a god damn veteran! Why don’t you believe me? Why the fuck would I lie about that?”

Girls: “We don’t know, but we don’t talk to liars. It was nice meeting you. Maybe if you truly want to be a solider, you should just join the Army instead of lying about it.”

Raul: “What the hell is happening?”

I continued to frantically press my case that I wasn’t an impostor and in fact the real deal, but the girls weren’t having it and they walked away. Sleazy-E came up to me with a huge shit-eating grin because his planned worked out perfectly.

I spent the night completely mind fucked by the experience and spiraled into a vicious cycle of drinking, getting rejected, drinking some more, getting rejected some more, and settled into a lonely, pussyless stupor.

I know you’re reading this Sleazy-E, with a huge self-satisfied grin on your face. Fuck you!

~Raul Felix

Note: Make sure to read the comments for Sleazy-E’s and Kendawgs version of said events.

Read about my other failures in life: The Pick-Up Follies: Taqueria Hottie

17 thoughts on “The Pick-Up Follies: Sleazy-E’s Revenge

  1. Just walk into the next party in your army uniform. The girls will be on you like white on rice. Or just show up to NYC during fleet week. You’ll get so much pussy, your cock will be out of commission for a month.

    • That would just make me look like a tool. Whenever I see a guy walking around the civilian world in uniform and its not for some parade or something. All I think is “Fucking faggot. “

      • Yeah, but you are forgetting the ultimate goal here my dear Felix: pussy! and lots of it! If you could do something to increase your chances of “reproducing” or finding a “mate” why not do it? Isn’t that what’s it all about?

      • While you are right, you also need to remember that he’s spending less on drinks and spending less time macking it to the broad he’s going to fuck.
        That is unless you’re looking to find a girlfriend and not a cum guzzler.

  2. Raul has successfully portrayed himself as the hapless victim but what you don’t know is the truth that night. In his inebriation he seems to have mistaken receptiveness and disgust. From my objective third person point of view you did not simply stroll up to have a conversation with the blonde and Sleazy E. You waited until Sleazy E had to go to the bathroom, stumbled over; hit on her crudely and by the time Sleazy E had returned she had left in disgust.

  3. I’m calling BS, James Frey Jr. Kendawg’s recollection is totally accurate. Also you got a fake number after I had allready aquired the legit one. I wasn’t there for the alleged kiss, but if it did happen I question the mutual consent. This was a vintage mid 2000 Raul Felix shitbomb, where you got really drunk, became crude and sloppy and scared away all the girls.

    One thing was totally accurate though. I did have a huge self-satisfied grin on my face.

    • Vintage mid 2000 Raul Felix is still alive and kicking today… He is late 2000 Raul Felix but all the main attributes of “shitbombing” are still there.

    • Sleazy-E, as we discussed earlier. I’m fairly certain I got a kiss from said blonde girl and I’m sure it was consensual. Whether I got a fake number or not, I do not recall, nor do I recall attempting to call her as Kendawg had mentioned. While I agree that was during the mid 2000 Raul Felix era and my perspective may be skewed, I remember doing rather well with her. Don’t accuse me of being “James Fry Jr.” for I did not fabricate the facts, rather recalled the events in question to the best of my ability.

  4. For every story about a guy trying to get laid and not getting laid that involves alcohol in any way, there are about 25 different versions of the story. I think we need to subpoena the blonde to find out what really happened. Also, “pussyless stupor” is one of the greatest things I’ve ever read.

    • My friends and I spent the whole night arguing about what happened with the blonde and have yet to come up with a conclusion we all agree on. The rest of story is pretty accurate though. As you can see, I hold firmly my position that the blonde was into me and they hold their position that the blonde was in total disgust.
      Yeah, it would be great to subpoena the blonde, but no one even knows who she is. In any case, thanks. I was really proud of that line, “Pussylesss Stupor.”

  5. “Even allowing me to rest my hand on her leg, which is my standard move to see if it’s good to escalate to the next step” I don’t know that I’ve ever acknowledged my subconscious knowledge of what this move represented before… Raul, I think I learned something from your blog!

  6. Pingback: My First Overnighter | Raul Felix

  7. Pingback: The Pick-Up Follies: The Snow Fatty | Raul

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