OMG, This One Time My Friend Becky and I…

A lot of woman lack the ability of effective and memorable funny drunk story telling. What they constitute as a life changing event that everyone would be sure to think is amazing and hilarious is actually a rather mundane and tedious dive into details that really don’t add anything to the listeners day. Let’s take for example, what a woman thinks is a crazy drunk story that is sure to make people slap their knees in laughter.

Her unbelievably crazy story goes painfully like this: “Oh my god… this one time my friend Becky and I got really drunk and stuff. You know like, we were really wasted. We must have drunk like four beers each! Like, oh my god, it was crazy because we started laughing and stumbling all over the place. It got so crazy that she and I danced on the bar. On the bar! Like SO many people were looking at us. Then I got dizzy and I went to the bathroom and vomited. Becky was holding my hair. It was so crazy.”

If you’re a person who has had any real experience with making poor decisions with alcohol, you will realize that there is nothing “crazy” about that story. None of those events are something to be noted and discussed. It’s far too common of an occurrence and it’s on par with talking about your shit of the day. Unless of course, it was real intestine emptier weighing at least 8.6 courics. Same principle applies with your stories, they must be truly unique and outlandish, and not typical drunky fall down.

The fact of the matter is, what constitutes a wild drunk night for most women, is a mellow Tuesday night for us men. Its simple biology, because women weigh less and thus are able to consume less alcohol and thus pass out sooner. Also, women are physically weaker so they’re less of a destructive force when they turn chaotic. The lack of testosterone in their veins makes them less physically aggressive and less likely to get into fight or confrontation, though they are bigger shit talkers behind backs.

While men can tell tomes about their stupid, drunk glory days, what can a woman talk about that will make her nearly as interesting? Female writers, such as Chelsea Handler, have made themselves known by focusing on this area of life that women tend to have ridiculous misadventures in: sex.

Women probably have as many, if not more, whorish behavior stories then men have drunk, idiot stories. The thing is you never quite hear about them. Most females will hint at their sexual promiscuity, but very few will be so bold to speak about the time she behaved like total slut and fucked five guys at the same time and then went to her boyfriend’s and fucked him too. Or how she met some random guy at a concert and sucked his cock inside the porter potty after talking to him for five minutes. This is something they only tell to their close female friends and not something they blurt out at a party.

Perhaps we men are to blame for this. Even in this era of rising feminism and equality, we tend to have a problem with hearing a woman openly talk about her sex life. We really don’t want to hear about or acknowledge the dozens of cocks that have passed through a woman’s orifices. But hot damn, doesn’t it make for some good reading? It’s far more interesting to hear about your sexual high jinks, then your pathetic excuse of a drunk story. Yet, in a catch-22, the thing that will make you more interesting, will also make us less likely to take you seriously as a potential partner. Sure, we’ll fuck your brains out and use you for your body. But make you a girlfriend or wife after learning about all cocks you’ve catered to? I bet a vast majority of men will take issue with it, though there are plenty who couldn’t care either way.

Of course there is more to story telling than talking about drinking and fucking, and there are plenty of female speakers and writers who are damn good at being funny without talking about those subjects. The real complaint is that very few woman’s drunk debauchery stories can hold a candle to a man’s drunk debauchery stories. It’s like being forced to a watch a little league baseball game when you really want to watch a major league baseball game. If you want to speak about a “really crazy night” tell us about that time you fucked the entire football team and then showed up to church the next morning reeking of booze and semen. Oh my god, now that’s crazy.

~Raul Felix

A Non-Bullshit Story: The Gay Meth Story

9 thoughts on “OMG, This One Time My Friend Becky and I…

  1. I guess I’ll have to delete the epic yarn I just spun on Microsoft Word about that one time I had two martinis, couldn’t walk straight, and kept saying “hello” to everyone.

    I thought that was a real winner, too.

  2. Loved this. Your version of a woman’s drunk story is spot on. Though I have to say this, Russian women have a huge alcohol tolerance level. Our blood is made of Vodka. Our livers are steel. Give us Tequila and we will fall flat on our faces.
    Men aren’t the only ones who will judge a female. Sometimes I think that women are worse. Once we find out that a friend is a cum guzzler or juggles multiple cocks, the girl is labeled for life. It’s even worse for a woman that we don’t like.
    Then again, I’ve always wanted to get a strap on and emasculate a man. I’d need to be severly intoxicated for that.

    • You Russian women can drink quite a bit of vodka, seen it when I lived in Israel. A girls hating on each other is pretty true also. They’ll slut shame worse then we men will.
      You live in New York? I’m sure you can find a bitch ass male to do that to.

  3. Two things –

    1) Thanks for the heads up on the meaning of courics. I feel like I learned something today now, so that’s cool.

    2) @CaptKitty – oddly, I’ve had the exact opposite observation. Russian girls can’t hold their liquor *at all* compared to American ladies. Perhaps because they’re ten kilos lighter? /burn

    That’s all I got.

  4. Russian women can hold their liquor, we just drink smarter. We eat lots before we drink and often eat well while drinking. Thus, we are able to drink more without looking like a total buffoon. With regards to being lighter than American women… Well, that’s not too hard. A bus full of high school teenagers is often lighter than most American women… BURN!

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