Across the street from the hostel I was staying at in Zurich, Switzerland is a pussy cat theater. I wondered how this was still a viable business model. Ever since the invention of the internet and a day later, internet porn these archaic dens of masturbation have become extinct in the United States. I didn’t come of age when they were around and only seen them in movies from the 70’s and 80’s. Usually, when the protagonists meets up with a shady character who gives him essential information. So being the Curious George I am and the appreciator of anything related to naked women, I decided I would go in and expand my horizons.
The theater walls were covered with posters of porn flicks with women in poses suggesting the want to get gang banged. I pay for my ticket and the attendant gives me a look suggesting he thinks he is better than me. Well, fuck you, at least it’s not my job to clean semen off the floor. As I am walking to enter the theater, a Swiss geezer passes me by and avoids making contact, probably cause he just jerked off. I take my seat in the mostly empty theater with about four or five old men there looking intently at the screen. I think I see one jerk off underneath his trench coat. Movies don’t always lie.
I take my seat and watch the porn flick. After one minute, I’m already bored and have the urge to leave. This sucks. I stop myself from leaving. Give it a chance, it’s a cultural experience, I justify. I tell myself that I’m going to stay for one hour. The flick is in German and it looks like it was made in the 90’s judging by the clothing the actors were wearing. The chick they’re going to bang is the kind I like, big boobs, big ass, and white with brunette hair. I become annoyed at the fact I have to listen to all the talking and see the “plot” unfold. I wish I could just fast forward and see the bitch naked already.
Two women begin to walk around the movie theater, whispering little things into the mens ears. I sneakily look at them and see what they are up to. One grabs a guy by the hand leads him out the theater. They’re fucking prostitutes. Ah, so that is the real business model. This is a place where men can meet prostitutes. The other one comes and offers her services to me. Yes, I declined assholes. I had a conversation the previous night with a local who told me that area of Zurich is currently going through gentrification. Which explains the unique mix of artsy fartsiness, drug addicts, expensive shops, and hookers at the pussy cat theater.
After thirty minutes, I had enough. I didn’t even feel my dick move in this environment. I couldn’t even enjoy the porn knowing that on the other row there was a 50 year old Swiss man jerking it.
I left the theater with a new found appreciation for my laptop and instant access to internet porn in complete privacy. I appreciated being able to watch whatever I want, skip scenes, and go to my favorite parts. Men actually had to put up with this shit back in the 70’s and 80’s if they wanted to watch a porn flick and jerked off discreetly while a few feet away another man was doing the same. It showed me that life sucked in every previous generation and that being of my generation is the best time to be alive. We got all the technology to get us instant access to porn and we have access to archives of every porn film ever made, even on the iPhone. What a glorious time to be alive.
~Raul Felix
You loved it? Of course you did. Now read: Strip Club Blues
RAUL FELIX.COM 
Did you also leave the theater with lyme disease?
I actually find this fascinating, because I didn’t even know shit like this existed. When I first stated reading this post I was hoping you were headed somewhere super classy like that place where the shootout happens in Boondock Saints.
Also, I keep meaning to link you to my boyfriend’s blog. I think you’d like some of his stuff, especially about his experiences dating. Here’s a particularly good post:
http://generaldouchebaggery.blogspot.com/2011/12/those-fucking-teeth.html
Katie, I did not realise your boyfriend had a blog! I need to keep up 🙂
Raul, this blog is starting to turn into a more refined version of the Shakespearean sonnet “Ode to my Cock” or whatever, can’t remember the exact title. Yeah, you have to wonder what people did for kicks in the pre-digital era… although they say people were more aroused by less, (hence a lady didn’t show her ankles a hundred years ago in case it inflamed the men in the vicinity) because we were not as jaded by exposure. Well, we certainly shook that off!
You know what people did for kicks back then? Jerked off to paintings. In the book Mastery by Robert Greene, they talk about the Mona Lisa and how when she first painted she looked so realistic that men would fall in love with her and they would attempt to touch her. In fact, they had to keep a guard on her at all times and the guards would also fall in love with her. Even though its in good condition right now, its nothing compared to how it looked like when it was painted.
I hope I didn’t get lyme disease, but if I did that would suck cause I don’t have health insurance. I’ll check out your boys writing.
Haha, Mona Lisa as old-school porn, how funny! I saw that painting once, but it’s hard to have a ‘moment’ with something there are a hundred other eyeballs on at the same time. It is kind of dark and small in real life and just… underwhelming… I prefer Jan Van Eyck as far as Renaissance painters go.
I’m an NOT artsy guy, so I had to look him up. Now I recognize him! I don’t know any outside the “standard dumb, American” knowledge of art but, I like the modern artist Glenn Arthur. How paints women, god fucking damn it. He’s the only one I’m determined to own an original painting from when I’m swimming deep in bestselling author money.
You don’t have to be ‘artsy’ to have an interest in it per se. I’ll check Glenn Arthur out. I also like Hieronymous Bosch (http://www.hieronymus-bosch.org) and Gauguin particularly, amongst others (http://eu.art.com/gallery/id–b12132/figurative-prints.htm?ui=8BE06764C49B4F3993AF3BAC1943279F&SSK=gauguin&sby=all&searchstring=gauguin).
I just saw the Mona Lisa. You’re right, it is tough to focus on the “beauty” of it when people are constantly shoving, taking pics, and trying to have their little moment with her. Fucking whore.
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You skipped over a whole generation of technology. I was the local corner Video Rental that killed off the porn theater.
Now people could wath adult movies in the privacy of their own homes, not quite the instant gratification of the internet , but no problem to stop by every day or so.
For many years porn provided as much rental earnings as the rest of movies combined. Porn also helped mom and pop video stores hold out as long as they did against competion from the big chains.
Vido renatals also chainged porn into what it is today in several different ways. No longer having to go to skanky theaters in bad neighborhoods, millions of women now watched at home with boyfriends and husbands. The video boom increased the overall revenue from porn greatly.
At the same time the nature of porn changed. ( Comparitivly) big budget , high production quality epics from the Golden Age were being undercut by lowbudget one day wonders shot on video. Specialized titles and series became viable. For at least the first few years of “amatuer videos” , at least some of them really were actual regular people doing the wild thing at home.
The modern day porn universe is just fine tuning the revolution that took place in the 1980’s .