Why Should I Write About Her?

“Will you write about me?” The question is always on the tip of her tongue. She may not ask it immediately because she doesn’t want to seem like another one of your admirers. She’ll take her time, earn your trust, and maybe win your heart—but she’ll eventually ask it.

You don’t know what to say. You’re barely able to focus on the articles you’re writing, let alone whether this tryst will be something you’ll remember and feel is worth writing about a week, month, or year from now.

Girls all seem special in their own way when they’re in front of you. But the moment of lust eventually passes and only memories remain. That’s the tricky part. What will you remember about her? How her piercing blue eyes and her charming accent made you melt. Or maybe the way her body conformed to yours effortlessly, as if every one of her limbs was custom-made to fit your body. Or how she would visit you at work and wanted you to stick your fingers in her pussy when no one was looking. Maybe it will be how she snorted coke and took shots of whiskey before you fucked. Or the way she made you feel emotionally secure, even on the first night you ever spent with her. Or the way her youthfulness and naivety made you feel grizzled and ancient.

These are the random little things you remember about several of the recent women that passed through your life. Some used you for their own purposes and moved on, others rejected you when you wanted something more, and others seemed to fizzle away with no drama.

“Maybe,” you respond.

You’ve noticed that the women you’ve encountered all wish to be your muse. It feeds their vanity to know that they may be immortalized in one of your essays.

“What will you write?”

“I don’t know.”

That answer always seems to disappoint them, as if you’re supposed to be able to instantly pick sugary prose out from mid-air and assemble a lean, insightful account of this affair. You never know if she will be a footnote in your heart or have her own book.

You barely know her and her true character. She’s a woman and thus skilled in the art of deception. Not all women are liars, but enough of them are that you’ve learned to not fully trust one until she earns it.

She snuggles with you and tells you sweet nothings. She tells you of her life, philosophy, and aspirations. She tells you of her family and friends. She tells you about her job, coworkers, and career goals. She tells you about her ex-boyfriends and how she wants to focus on herself and isn’t ready for a serious relationship right now.

Maybe you’ll write about her. About how you met her. About how you charmed her. About the way she made your heart skip a beat with her beauty. About the conversations you had. About the times you fucked.

More than likely, she’ll be out of your life as quickly as she became part of it, whether it was after a one-night stand or having a several-month fling. Only when she’s out can you truly know if you want to write about her.

You don’t want to write about her. Writing about her will bring back the emotions you started to develop. Writing about her will put you in the state of vulnerability that you recklessly allowed her to see. Writing about her will be a confession of your need for a romantic connection. Writing about her would mean she meant more to you than you did to her. Writing about her will mean she won, and you’re too proud to let that cunt win.

~Raul Felix

Read more of my work at Thought Catalog.

The Harsh Realities of Teaching English as a Foreign Language

Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL) has become an option for many disillusioned recent college grads when they realize their Humanities degree is not that high in demand. You can qualify to be a TEFL teacher with nearly any type of degree. You will fantasize about how you’re going to enlighten foreign minds, but like anything else, reality will set in. Luckily for you, English Teacher X is a salty-as-fuck veteran of this mysterious world. He has written several books and been blogging about it since 2005.

Raul: English Teacher X, you’ve been TEFL for 15+ years now. What’s the biggest difference you see now between new, cherry English teachers and when you were a newbie in the 90s?

ETXEnglish Teacher X: Of course, there are a lot more people doing it now in general, but surprisingly, I don’t see that much difference. Still plenty of middle-aged whoremongers/wife-hunters, plenty of young backpacker types, and plenty of clueless youngsters in search of a Real Authentic Cultural Experience. You’d think there’d be fewer clueless people with the Internet and all, but there are still plenty of wide-eyed innocents, many of whom end up ripped off but with a few interesting stories to tell the folks when they go back to working at the Cheesecake Factory. One thing you see a lot more of these days is middle-aged women getting into it for a midlife career change after a divorce or whatever. Eat, Pray, Love syndrome. My friend in Dubai says he sees a lot of them, and a friend in Peru says the same thing. They’re often also looking for romance—men are not the only ones unhappy with the dating situation back home.

Raul: What kind of “Authentic Cultural Experience” do most of the youngsters look for, and what is the harsh reality?

ETX

English Teacher X: Oh, you know, the usual—they think they’re going to learn the language and befriend the locals and such and go to traditional ceremonies and such, but they generally find that the only people who want to speak with them either just want to practice their English or rip them off somehow. Or have sex with them, maybe.

Raul: You spent nine years in Russia from 2000-2009 in an industrial wasteland you’ve named “Vodkaberg.” Russia changed quite a bit since those days. You mentioned that the same Vodkaberg doesn’t exist anymore. What changes have occurred?

ETXEnglish Teacher X: Oh, man, well, it’s pretty much a 180-degree shift. When I got there, they loved foreigners, especially Americans and Europeans, and everybody loved to drink and smoke and party, and people were very cynical about work and the government. Everybody was extremely sexed-up, and there was a lot of prostitution going on. People had very little hope for the future. There was very much an atmosphere of “Eat and drink, for tomorrow we die.” Now, shit, it’s like the Reagan 80s. First there were a lot of rules limiting alcohol consumption—no more drinking on the streets, can’t buy alcohol after eleven, can’t drink on trains, etc. Then depictions of homosexuality in the media. With the Ukraine thing, Putin has stirred up the patriots and the nationalists, and even one of my slutty, foreigner-loving female friends there was lecturing me last night on Skype about how everything in the American media about Russia is a lie. People want to work hard to get the Toyota Corolla and the iPhone. People do take care of their health a lot more, though, I guess, which is a good thing. I read yesterday that Putin is banning some of the Russki mat—curse words—from movies, theater, and TV. He seems to be trying to create a Puritan republic in response to the excesses of the 90s and early 00s. Oh, and in addition to that, to show the attitude of Russians recently—a friend and I were trying to talk to some Russian girls in Dubai last week and one of them told us, “I don’t talk to Americans anymore because of the international situation.”

Raul: Damn, so Russia is losing its unique Russian ghetto charm; what a shame. Where could a young, hopeful, future TEFL type go to get the same crazy social atmosphere as was prevalent in Vodkaberg during your stint there?

ETXEnglish Teacher X: Of course, your social life is what you make of it and anybody going to Eastern Europe can probably find enough alcohol and sex and general wackiness to satisfy them. But the kind of blind worship of foreigners—that’s hard to find these days. You’d need to go someplace that has endured a long period of isolationism and protectionism. North Korea, Cuba, Belarus. Just in general, the kind of places that are experiencing the sort of rapid economic growth and social change that Russia experienced during the 00s are places in the Middle East, and I hear people talking about places like Turkey, Ethiopia, and Lebanon a lot. Recently somebody sent me an email asking where the best place to go to have that experience would be and I answered, “Just go anywhere that people tell you not to go because it’s too dangerous.” I remember buying the train ticket to Russia back in 2000, and the women at the train station in Prague told me I was crazy; they would kill me. They didn’t, although not for want of trying.

Raul: Any random advice for any aspiring TEFLers?

ETXEnglish Teacher X: Well, I was thinking today that while TEFL is not much of a career choice, it probably combines well with your various possibilities for “location independent” jobs like freelance writing or running an eBay store or an affiliate site or whatever. As a teacher you’ll probably have enough free time to work on something like that, but you’ll always have something to do to meet people or to fall back on if your Internet job punks out for some reason.

~Raul Felix

Check out more of my writing at Thought Catalog

3 Ways To Use Obstacles To Your Advantage

Dreams and aspirations—we all have them, whether you want to be a world-famous writer, a doctor, a captain of industry, or an international playboy. You set off on a journey to fulfill your dreams because you’re a fucking Billy Badass and nothing is going to stand in your way.

Then reality decides to be a dick and stands in your way. Your submission to XoJane gets rejected because it wasn’t angry enough and only mentioned rape culture twice…or you fail your Intro to Biology class…or you can’t even work up the courage to talk to that cute Latina chick. You sit there deflated, wondering how the gods could be so cruel to little special snowflake you.

Luckily for you, Ryan Holiday’s new book The Obstacle Is the Way provides a time-tested formula inspired by the great Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. It teaches you to not just overcome your obstacles, but to leverage them to your advantage. Drawing from historical examples of people who were way more important than you or I, he separates the book into a series of characteristics, philosophies, and values that a person must have to hopefully join their ranks or at least give it the good ol’ junior-college try. Here are three that stuck out to me.

1. Follow the Process

You’ve got to do something very difficult. Don’t focus on that. Instead break it down into pieces. Simply do what you need to do right now. And do it well. And then move on to the next thing. Follow the process and not the prize.

When we read an enriching novel or an article that makes us think and see things from a new perspective, we are experiencing the fruits of the writer’s extensive labor. We don’t see the process. We don’t see the writer as he reads book after book, learning from his mentors who may have long passed. We don’t see his first attempts of forming an original thought or sentence that is totally unreadable. We don’t see him as he learns the difference between the overreaching of vocabulary and using it in a seamless fashion. We don’t see him as he struggles, staring at the blank screen to formulate his next witty phrase.

By focusing on the little things, the fine details, the nitty-gritty aspects of what you’re trying to accomplish, you make the task much more manageable and feasible. Those little mundane parts—when done right and compounded together over the course of time and constant repetition—will create a road to the grand success of which you dream.

2. Do Your Job, Do It Right

Everything we do matters—whether it’s making smoothies while you save up money or studying for the bar—even after you already achieved that success you sought. Everything is a chance to do and be your best. Only self-absorbed assholes think they are too good for whatever their current station requires.

When I was in 2nd Ranger Battalion, there was the Ranger standard that must always be met or you would be kicked out and sent to the big Army. It governed our lives: how we conducted and trained for combat, physical fitness, appearance, and acceptable behavior. In every aspect of being a Ranger, you were expected to do your job with a high level of motivation, competence, attention to detail, and eagerness to improve. It didn’t matter if you were going on a direct-action raid, doing a live-fire exercise, jumping out of an airplane, cleaning the barracks, policing up brass, mowing the quad’s lawn, fast-roping out of a helicopter, or doing your morning physical training session. Your ass better be giving it your all, or you were going to get your balls crushed.

I was a mediocre Ranger who barely survived being in battalion; nothing exceptional compared to some of the no-shit legendary men with whom I got to serve. But it instilled a strong work ethic in me. Taking pride in doing even the simplest jobs right—however trivial, mundane, and unglamorous they are—prepares you to take on the larger and more glamorous tasks when they are set before you.

3. Build Your Inner Citadel

No one is born a gladiator. No one is born with an Inner Citadel. If we’re going to succeed in achieving our goals despite the obstacles that may come, the strength in will must be built.

The world doesn’t give a fuck if you succeed or not. In fact, the world wants you to fail. If you want to attempt anything grand and not live a life of quiet desperation like so many poor souls, it will require you to be physically and mentally tough. Neither one of these attributes is built overnight.

Physical strength and toughness will better prepare you to deal with the obstacles life places in front of you than if you are scrawny or fat. Many “intellectual” douchebags who look down on the physically fit fail to see that the discipline needed to get to that point helps strengthen the mind and will.

Mental toughness will let you handle and overcome any obstacles that seek to wage psychological warfare on you. It gives you the capacity to think through them and find solutions. It gives you the ability to face down the naysayers, the haters, and the nonbelievers. It will help you say, “Fuck you” to them and drive on.

You need to change your mindset in how you view obstacles. They aren’t always negative; they can bring opportunity if you’re bright enough. This book will help you forge a mind that not only can power through them but can also squeeze out every drop of benefit from them.

~Raul Felix

You can read more of my articles on Thought Catalog

Screw Your Daddy Issues

Those that know me in real life know that my father is a non-entity in my life. I know who he is and where he is at, but he has never been a part of who I am and who I am going to become. Instead of playing the victim like so many youngsters like to do, I’ve chosen a different path and attempted to find manhood on my own by seeking out truly masculine mentors. With that in mind, I have a new piece featured on Thought Catalog called Screw Your Daddy Issues. Check it out, mother fuckers.

~Raul Felix

Onward to 2014

With each passing New Years one tries to remember where they were at that time the previous year. For some, they were brighter times and for others, they were darker times. Life is that way. You’re on top of the world one minute, and sucking cock for crack the next. The world is tough, but it’s not an invincible opponent. With the right attitude, tons of hard work, and a little bit of luck, you can always change the tides of your life.

2013 was a weird year for me. I hit a new low in some areas of my life and hit new highs in others. The year started out rough: I got drunk as fuck on New Year’s Eve and ended up losing my iPhone. In my inebriated state of mind, I came to the conclusion that a group of four Russian dudes stole it from me, and I got aggressive with them. I got my ass kicked by all four of them. I don’t remember if I even got a punch in, but I had a swollen cheek, elbow, and twisted ankle for a good week. Not only did that occur, but I drank so much that next day I showed up one hour late to work reeking of booze. My team leader, being the good man he is, covered for me. Being the big piece of shit I am, I fucked up once again, overslept the next day and was late for work. Hence, I got fired from my good paying job in Israel.

Afterwards, I backpacked around Western Europe randomly for a month and headed back to the United States after a year and a half of being gone to start a new chapter in my life. What would that chapter entail was a question that lingered in my mind as I spent a good six months smoking weed, drinking, working 12 hours a week, playing video games, working out on occasion, writing on occasion, and not having any real responsibilities. It’s amazing what a lazy, worthless creature a man is capable of becoming when he doesn’t know what the next step in his life will be.

I rode my motorcycle almost a thousand miles to my Mexican hometown of Cuidad Obregon, Sonora to spend a week camping with the rest of Felix clan. While I had a great time, I was also reminded of where I came from and why my family left that worthless, corrupt country that contains no future for anyone of true ambition.

The long-distance, compounded by other issues we had, killed my year and a half relationship with my beautiful Israeli girlfriend. I later became smitten by another chick who I met through my blog and in turn, had my heart crushed by her. Basically, my love life was nothing deeper than a string of one night stands that I had with girls who I met through my bouncer job.

While I was deprived of any form of romantic love, I was abundantly blessed with real friendships. I became room mates with my best friend, Sleazy-E, few other awesome guys, and hung out with all my old high school friends. I reconnected with some of my Ranger buddies from my Army days and was introduced to a shit-ton of current and former Rangers that I now consider my friends. I started working at two bars where I genuinely enjoy talking to and seeing my co-workers. I’ve had fans of my writing reach out to me, some have become close friends that I fully trust and others, potential lovers.

When I started working as a bouncer, I had a goal of becoming a bartender. Since I am a not a chick with big tits or a pretty, blue eyed white boy with a smile that melts girls’ hearts, it was going to be a tough gig to get. I made it known what my goals were. I worked hard, figured out how to pick up chicks using bouncer game, and threw the occasional drunk out the bar. In turn, I was recommended to work at another bar as a bar-back/bouncer and now am being trained to bartend. I got an opportunity that people wait two or three years for in eight months and now am making a decent amount of money because of it.

My writing has truly taken off. I’ve had articles featured on Return of Kings, Thought Catalog, and Sass & Balderdash. I have become one of the most liked and most hated writers on Thought Catalog. My best piece to date, The Division of Generation Y, went viral and was shared on Facebook 50,000 + times and has been viewed hundreds of thousands of times. It has solidified and given legitimacy to my writing and my writing style. It has given me a taste of what success feels like and what kinds of opportunities are presented when I open my heart, mind, and soul to the world.

There was a lull in my writings after that piece. I was overwhelmed by the success of it. I had no idea what I could write that would top it, or even at least come close to matching it. I would begin to write a new piece, fully confident it was going to be another smash hit, then I would lose traction half way through. Nothing seemed to come together the way I wanted it. With that, my consistency suffered and I wasted two months with each day feeling guilt-ridden because I hadn’t produced another groundbreaking piece.

As much as those fucking bitch-made haters on Thought Catalog wish it had, quitting has never crossed my mind. Self-doubt has. Self-loathing has. Quitting? Fuck you! Surrender is not a Ranger word, mother fuckers.

In this journey in the writing world, I have discovered that I truly have a writing talent and a voice that can’t be replicated. It’s something that no one can, nor will ever take away from me because I possess two very important traits: Emotional toughness and balls. I’m emotionally tough enough to take the harsh criticisms, the trolls, family members telling me they don’t like what I write, people cutting me out of their lives because of my written work, the dead ends, the long lonely nights in front of the screen, and the silence when what I write doesn’t resonate with anybody. I have the balls to go after my dreams, write under my real name, put myself out there, take rejection, hatred, and still come on out top with sweat on my brow and a shit-eating grin.

The only thing that can and has been holding me back is myself. Yes, I write, but I’ve been treating my writing with a hobbyist work ethic. It has invigorated me how much I have accomplished with just that effort, and it has deflated me how much opportunity I have missed out on by treating it like a hobby. I’m in a perfect situation in my life to make a big move, and I have decided on it; I’m treating my writing with a professional work ethic.

2012 was the year I started this blog, but I was sporadic. In 2013 I took it more seriously and put my toes in the waters, but I wasn’t as intense as I should have been. 2014, is the year I fully dive in and sink or swim. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m scared. I’m overjoyed combined with a host of other conflicting emotions. Just like being a soldier, it doesn’t matter what you feel, as long as you do your job. Trust me, I’m going to do my job with every bit of my being, and it will be a job well done. In life, your biggest enemy isn’t the world, your haters, your environment, or the nay sayers; your biggest enemy is yourself. Once you conquer yourself, you can conquer anything.

~Raul Felix

Disappearance

I do my best to text
with perfect grammar
It’s my little way
I distinguish myself

I know you talk to other boys
I talk to other girls
Why shouldn’t you?
I just met you last weekend

There is no reason
for you to feel any sense of
loyalty to me
and I to you

When we text
I make sure not to respond
Too quickly or earnestly
To create a masquerade of busyness

I offer to take you for a drink
You accept
We make plans to meet
at a place on Main Street

That morning I awake
to a text from you
you have to cancel
we decide to reschedule

I make new plans for the night
I may have met someone new
The weekend passes by
I may have met someone new

“Hey you!” I text
No response. A few days pass
I offer to take you for a drink
No response

You may have lost interest
You may have found someone else
You may have broken your phone
You may have died

I’ll never know
I delete your number
I’m already working on
someone I may have met

~Raul Felix

“Let me see some more of your stupid poetry!” Whatever, dick: Empty Chair

Three Surefire Way to Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend

Though I’ve been featured on Thought Catalog for month or so now, I’ve restrained from making a blog post about the articles because they were all re-posts of articles I’ve had written earlier on this site. Now, I am happy to say I have written my first piece of original content for them and am making my first pay day as a writer. Don’t worry, I’m still going to keep on writing here mainly and letting you into my fucked up mind. Now go check out my latest piece, Three Surefire Ways to Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend. Also, make sure you let those haters in comments section know I’m the fucking balls.

~Raul Felix

“Where else have you been featured?” On Sass & Balderdash Mother Fucker: Four Ways to Please Your High-Value Man

Into the Fray

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
-Theodore Roosevelt

The past couple weeks I was fortunate enough to get a few select pieces of my work featured on Thought Catalog. With that, came the epiphany that I was writing in a secure bubble. Up to this point, most of my page views came from people who were on my Facebook, word of mouth, or people who I handed my business card to randomly. While I did get a tiny bit of sporadic haters, most of my feedback had been positive and constructive. All that changed when I exposed my misogynistic, sexist, racist, and apparently, homophobic writings to the legions of Thought Catalog readers.

While I pride myself on my rhino skin and ability take criticism like a man, I was surprised at the intense level of hatred I got towards my writings. Then as my ex-girlfriend “Little Ruskie” said to me, “You do have a rather annoying attitude towards women and call them sluts. You should expect it.” She was right. If I was going to continue to write in my aggressive, chauvinistic style, then I needed to be able to take push back from those who suffer from sand in the vagina syndrome.

I say it was a 60/30/10 split in the type of comments I got. 60% of the commenters went into a fervor intently aimed at ripping me apart because of the indignation I lashed out on women and racial issues. Some of the responses were simple as, “you are a disgusting excuse for a man,” or “Raul Felix is a second rate Tucker Max wanna be.” While other’s went rather in-depth about how I was wrong about the points I’ve made and that I’m nothing more than a misogynist, sexist, racist, and a terrible writer. Those comments clearly lacked thought in my opinion and I responded to them in a sarcastic manner because I thought it would be funny.

SC1

The 30% were more well thought out comments that sometimes agreed with me somewhat or disagreed with me completely but brought some semblance of intelligence to the discussion. With those, I responded with the utmost respect. I’m always eager to learn, improve, and see things from another’s perspective, especially about things that I write. I had a great time having some rather insightful conversation with those people who took time to not be trolls.

10% were people who supported me, agreed with what I said, and found it humorous. I must say, I did enjoy this a lot and it was a good ego boost (like I need one) to know there are people who took what I said for what it was: satire and humor. These are the readers who motivate me to keep writing because I don’t ever want to disappoint them. I’m very thankful for their support and some of them even stood up for me in the comment section, which totally made me feel like a special little snowflake.

This is just the beginning. Despite all the negativity, no amount of hate is ever going to cause me to quit going after my dream. My dream is to be a writer, write on a professional level, and eventually evolve into one of the best wordsmiths of my generation. I have an opportunity and I’m not going to let a few jabs at my ego stop me. I feel like a young man, who has grown up his entire life in the safety of the suburbs, where people were cordial and supportive, venturing out into the big city for the first time on his own. Now, as I take my first steps into the cold, heartless city that is the writing world on a grander scale, I keep my head up and my scrappy attitude on point. I’m charging into the fray that is being a writer on a big site. It’s a place where people are more than eager to tear you down, spit on you, nit-pick every single one of your mistakes, and hope for your failure. A place where very few are your friends and most will find a reason to hate you no matter what. A place where they see your failure as a victory for themselves. Its place where you have to be strong to make it and if you’re weak, you’re going to get eviscerated.

I have a message for those who seek to see me quit: it’s not going to happen. I’m not a pussy who quivers and cries to mama when the world knocks me down. I’m not a dreamer who has these grand plans, but takes no measurable steps to achieve them. I’m not a man who talks shit, but is unable to take it return. I’ll tell you what I am. I’m a man who writes under his real name and is going after what he wants in life and isn’t afraid to tell you what he wants, feels, or thinks. I’m a man willing and putting in the hard work and long hours needed to make it in this world. I’m a man who is ready to put up with rejection, abuse, and make the sacrifices necessary in order to meet his goals. I’m a man you can’t keep down no matter how much you want to or how many of you there are. Most importantly, I am writer, whether you like it or not. I’m tapping away at the keyboard right now because I have the intestinal fortitude required to do what so many claim they are able to, but so few are actually willing to. Surrendering is not an option for me and I will be dead before I do. When I do die, whether I am world famous or an obscurity, I will have no regrets, because I went for it and didn’t look back.

~Raul Felix

“You motivate me! What else you got?” Taking The Hits

Why Being a 90’s Kid Was Badass

At the risk of offending the several cougar fans(you know who you are) I have who no doubt want to have sex with me if the circumstances allowed it, I have the following statement to say: Being a 90’s kid was the best and greatest time to be an adolescent so far. Sorry cougars who had their childhoods in the 70’s and 80’s. While you Gen Xers and Baby Boomers were busy raping our futures with short-sighted policies on banking and government regulations that would leave us riddled with a huge national debt, unemployment, and underemployment, we were watching bad ass TV shows, playing sweet ass video games, and messing around with some tits ass toys.

We Had the Most Bad Ass TV Shows EVER!

I’m talking about Power Fucking Rangers, Tiny Fucking Toons Adventures, Rocko’s Fucking Modern Life, The Fucking Simpsons, Ahhh… Real Fucking Monsters, Adventures of Fucking Pete and Pete, The Fucking Critic, Global Fucking Guts, The Fucking Wonder Years, and my favorite of all, Fucking Doug. If while reading that list your eyes just sparkled a tiny bit and smile ran upon your twenty-something face, congratulations, you were blessed with being a 90’s kid in fucking America.

This was the time when basic cable was at its peak. Nickelodeon had its original Nick Toons and Cartoon Network was just beginning to evolve from just airing old Hanna-Barbara Cartoon into developing their own in house shows. We had great after school shows from FOX Kids and Kids WB. We were young and full of hope. Why wouldn’t we be when he had hero’s like the Power Rangers?

FUCK YES!

FUCK YES!

Power Rangers wore sweet ass helmets with tights of different colors (red was my favorite) and beat the crap out of monsters sent to attack earth by Rita Repulsa. Then Rita Repulsa would throw her staff at the Earth and make the monsters grow as big as skyscrapers. Holy fuck, shit just got real, but not to worry, because the most kick ass part was to come. The Power Rangers would then summon their colossal robotic “zords” and each would be some type of dinosaur. The T-Rex was my favorite! Then, oh my fucking god, they would combine and form The MegaZord that kicked so much ass. In the ensuing epic battle, they would destroy the city and monster, thus winning the day. Then the episode would neatly conclude and everyone would learn to Just Say No to Drugs. Also, Kimberly, the Pink Ranger, was the perfect girl and was the source of many a prepubescent boner.

My dream girl at age 8.

My dream girl at age 8.

With that solid set of role models, we were set up for success. While adults were busy watching boring ass shows like Melrose Place and Party of Five, we were honing our funny bone with some great comedic works. A few especially affluent 90’s kids will remember The Critic. A short-lived animated series that was too good for its time. Starring the paunchy Jay Sherman as a film Critic that has low self-confidence, bad luck with women, and pretty much used as a punching bag by those he loves. The show had edge and a special wit it used to parody movies, celebrities, and current events that was only matched by The Simpsons.

Combine the many shows of that caliber and access to it in our youths, and you have 90’s kids, brought up to have a pretty wicked sense of humor. We are the generation that paved the way for all the shows that currently dominate.

We Had a Sweet Ass Video Gaming Experience

In general, Baby Boomers were too old at the time to really get into video games and misjudged video games as just another fad. While a lot of Gen Xers got into video games as well, they merely adopted them. 90’s kids were born into them, forged by them. We never knew of a world without them. Before we knew how to say our alphabets, we had a Nintendo controller in our hands. Hoping to beat Super Mario Brothers without having to start over a million times or trying to shoot all the ducks in Duck Hunt.

SuperMarioNES

FUCK YES!

Sometime during the first decade of our existence(’91), the gods blessed us with Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, effectively ensuring our eternal dedication. They enriched our lives with Super Mario World, Street Fighter 2, F-Zero, Super Ghouls and Ghosts, Sonic The Hedgehog, and Altered Beast. Games whose names when uttered fills the body with a form of romanticism and nostalgia resembling Al Bundy thinking about the time he scored four touch downs in a single game.

It was a great time, the 16 Bit War was raging, the video game industry hadn’t run out of idea’s yet, and there were no load times. You would go over to a friends house after school and play some Street Fighter 2. Totally ignoring whatever lame ass crap adults did. Look at them, they’re just sitting around drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and NOT playing video games, what a bunch of joyless weirdoes.

Video games became a part of our generation. Nearly every 90’s kid has at least played Super Mario Brothers and most of them had video game system in their houses growing up. A lot of them still have the modern systems in their home right now. Mario, Sonic, and Pokemon have grown up to be idols to us. These characters from a more carefree and innocent time still remain with us today after we have ventured out into the cold, unforgiving world full of disappointment, gloom, and doom.

Speaking of doom, we played the shit out of Doom on PC on Microsoft DOS. Blowing the shit out of zombie marines and imps. Even though they had the same death animation, it seemed so realistic to our naive eyes that we actually felt we were going through a war with demons from hell. While older generations scoffed, and some groups tried to censor our games for being too violent, we knew better and played them any ways. Fuck the system.

Shit just got fucking real.

Shit just got fucking real.

Ours was the first true gamer generation, sure, others had guys who played Pong, Space Invaders, and Pac Man, but ours was the first one to play video games in mass and pushed the industry forward. What did kids before us do? Pretty lame crap like hula hoop and jacks. What the fuck is that shit?

We Had Tits Ass Toys

While we loved watching TV shows about good guys fucking shit up and playing good guys fucking shit up in video games, we also wanted to act out the role of good guys fucking shit up. There were a few toys from the 90’s that totally epitomized the whole fucking shit up concept.

King of the Nerf Battle

King of the Nerf Battle

The Nerf Ultimator was one of them. It was big, powerful, slow, and inaccurate. It was essentially a Nerf RPG. With this big boy you could shoot at your friends from a long distance and have some small hope of hitting them. The thundering noise it gave off while the trigger was pulled struck terror into the hearts of your enemies. The key to this weapon was shooting at close distance so it could totally rock your poor opponents world. You had to be careful if you missed because the reload time was insane and thus leaving you extremely vulnerable. If you could master this weapon, you would own the battlefield.

Though my family was poor, they put their money together one Christmas and got me the most tits toy of the year, The Megazord. I’ve explained it earlier what it was, but you have no idea how cool it felt to have a real life Megazord in my hands. My imagination will go wild as I would imagine sweet scenarios where I stomped the guts out of my other actions figures who were playing the role of enemy monsters. After thoroughly vanquishing my foes, I would imagine jumping out of The Megazord in my Red Ranger suit and making out with Kimberly.

FUCK YES!

FUCK YES!

I don’t know how any previous generations childhood could have been better than that of a 90’s kids. Seriously, what the hell did you guys do when you were bored at home on a Saturday night? I think the kids today have it pretty damn awesome. I see my two year old niece using the iPhone and iPad with a higher degree of competence than half of adults. She’ll never endure commercial breaks, 56k modems, or AOL banning her from chat room because she cursed too much. She’ll never feel the pain of having to beat a video game with no save points or having to blow into the cartridge in order for the game to work. She’ll never be disconnected from the internet when her mom picks up the phone or have to deal with being forced to watch novelas during the time she should be watching The Simpsons because there is only one TV in the house. I just look at her in amazement and jealousy of how awesome her childhood is going to be because of all these neat toys and video games she has access to. Spoiled brat.

~Raul Felix

Life has been rough to me since the 90’s… got any advice?: Three Rock Solid Way To Become a More Marketable Bum

Quotes July 2013

The following quotes are from my readings of books and blogs the last few months. Read them, they may make you slightly smarter.

“There is a problem with writers. If what a writer wrote was published and sold many, many copies, the writer thought he was great. If what a writer wrote was published and sold a medium number of copies, the writer thought he was great. If what a writer wrote was published and sold very few copies, the writer thought he was great. If what the writer wrote never was published and he didn’t have the money to publish it himself, then he thought he was truly great.”
-Henry Chinaski, Women

“Many a good man has been put under the bridge by a woman.”
-Henry Chinaski, Women

“Once a woman turns against you, forget it. They can love you, then something turns in them. They can watch you dying in a gutter, run over by a car, and they’ll spit on you.”
-Henry Chinaski, Women

“When I date a girl, she rarely has to pay for anything. I tell her good stories about my travels. I teach her things I’ve learned in life. I take her to places she’s never been. I bring her to a comfortable apartment. I cook for her. I make her drinks. I give her good love in bed. I barely lie to them… And what do I get in return? Only her vagina.”
Roosh V, Why Can’t I Use A Smiley Face?

“Wealthy men have revealed that when it comes to wives, quality is more important than quantity.”
-Dr. Marina Ashade, Dollars and Sex

“Russia is, really, a very cost-effective place to be a self-destructive drunk.”
English Teacher X, Vodkaberg

“There’s some sage advice for you, youngster, from a season veteran – be careful about falling for people who have all the same bad qualities as you.”
-English Teacher X, Vodkaberg

“Jimmy Hendrix is a true artist and anyone with an advanced degree in the performing arts are mere wannabe’s. Be a true artist, don’t be a wannabe. Practice your passion, but don’t pay somebody to tell you how to do it.”
Aaron Clarey, Worthless

“The professional self-validates. She is tough-minded. In the face of indifference or adulation, she assesses her stuff coldly and objectively. Where it fell short, she’ll improve it. Where it triumphed, she make it better still. She’ll work harder. She’ll be back tomorrow.”
-Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

“If you work hard and study hard, and you fuck up, that’s okay. If you fuck up and fuck up, then you’re a fuckup.”
-Sam Halpern, Shit My Dad Says

“Out of your league?! What fucking league are you talking about?! You are a man, she is a fucking woman. That is all that matters, goddamn it!”
-Sam Halpern, Shit My Dad Says

“You strut up to the world, ready to take it on once again, and look at it right in the eyes, “Hey mother fucker, remember me? You fucked with the wrong son of a bitch.”
-Raul Felix, Taking the Hits

“People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen… But do me a favor: Listen, and don’t ignore what you hear.”
-Sam Halpern, Shit My Dad Says

“What’s hard for a comedian is that they make a living on their anxieties and their self-doubts, but in real life they try and separate themselves from that. Chris[Farley] didn’t do that. He was absolutely honest in what he was.”
-Norm McDonald, The Chris Farley Show

“Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people,
make them happy, and forget momentarily,
all the unpleasantness in their lives.

And in my final moment,
may I hear You whisper:
‘When you made My people smile,
you made Me smile.”
-A Clowns Prayer

“Established men of wealth and power have always wanted men to believe that being a man was about duty and obedience, or that manhood could be proved by attaining wealth and power through established channels. Men of religion and ideology have always wanted men to believe that being a man was a spiritual or moral endeavor, and that manhood could be proved through various means of self-mastery, self-denial, self-sacrifice or evangelism. Men who have something to sell have always wanted men to believe that masculinity can be proved or improved by buying it.”
-Jack Donovan, The Way of Men

“Controlling one’s own fate within the context of group give-and-take has to do with figuring out what you bring to the table and making yourself valuable to the group. The bare minimum required for moving from dependence to interdependence is competence and self-sufficiency-the ability to carry one’s own weight.”
-Jack Donovan, The Way of Men

“Nobody is free… Everyone has a prison. Wife, parents, children, they all makes prisons.”
-Ted Simon, Jupiters Travels

“The Latin American has no tribe to fall back on, as the African does, no reliable judiciary to defend his rights as the European does, no social ideal or sacred constitution as the North American does, no pervasive mythology to soften life as it does in Asia, and no even an ideology to subscribe to, as does the Russian or Chinese. Without wealth, what is there left to him but his manhood, to be flaunted and defended at every occasion?”
-Ted Simon, Jupiter’s Travels

“Your fearful attitude encloses you in an invisible prison, and there you shall remain.”
-Robert Greene, The 50th Law

“True ownership can come only from within. It comes from a disdain for anything or anybody that impinges upon your mobility, from a confidence in your own decisions, and from the use of your time in constant pursuit of education and improvement.”
-Robert Greene, The 50th Law

“When your work does not communicate with others, consider it your own fault-you did not make your ideas clear enough and you failed to connect with your audience emotionally. This will spare you any bitterness or anger that might come from people’s critiques. You are simply perfecting your work through the social mirror.”
-Robert Greene, The 50th Law

“Tell beautiful women they are smart, and smart women they are beautiful.”
Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“To get what you want out of life, all you really need to do is be honest about it, don’t be afraid to go for it, and have fun while you do it.”
-Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“Once a man sees what is possible and makes just a few changes, a whole new world opens up where he finds opportunities that he couldn’t see before.”
-Roosh V, A Dead Bat In Paraguay

“Men and women both wanna’ have sex, but they’re on different time tables. Women want sex 15 minutes later than men do. If you hold out for 20 minutes, she’ll be chasing you for 5.”
TC Luoma, Atomic Dog: The Testosterone Principles

“… you’ll die in the midst of trying to realize your Personal Legend. That’s a lot better than dying like millions of other people, who never even knew what their Personal Legends were.”
-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

“Past success counts for nothing. All that matters is how well we’ll perform on the next real-world mission.”
-Pete Blaber, The Mission, The Men, and Me

“I believe there is nothing worse than indecision and that it is often better to act than to stagnate.”
-Carlos A. Caggiani, Tracks and Horizons

“Do that thing–be painfully honest–and you’ll get there, because no one else does it. Everyone in the world is a liar, whether its to themselves or to everyone else, they’re all full of shit. If you have the courage to tell the truth, to open your soul to the world, even a little bit, the world will stop and look.”
-Tucker Max

“Habit will be your champion. When you train the mind to think one way and one way only, when you refuse to allow it to think in another, that will produce great strength in battle.”
-Stephen Pressfield, Gates of Fire

“Women continue to reward bold moves made by men because of the confidence it displays.”
-Roosh V, 30 Bangs

“There’s a window of opportunity with every girl and once that passes it becomes impossible to bang.”
-Roosh V, 30 Bangs

“I’ve learned a long ago that it never pays to be the most famous person in the room.”
-Ron Jeremy, The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz

“A best friend is someone you’ve known for more than a decade, but if you had never met him before, and then hung out with today for the first time, you’d remark, ‘Wow. What a dick.”
-Aaron Karo, I’m Having More Fun Than You

“A writer who can’t deal with rejection is like a surfboard who can’t deal with water.”
-Michael Ellsburg

“Consider yourself lightly; consider the world deeply.”
-Miyamoto Musashi, The Book of Five Rings

“Many men get in their own way by not allowing themselves to go after, or have, what they most want in life. This is the biggest mistake a man can make in living. As a matter of fact, to do so is to not truly live, because you will be living in chains. Only by freeing yourself will you live and live well.”
Tao of Dirt

“All men make mistakes and fail from time to time. It’s the strongest, most free of men that move forward, ever learning, as if nothing bad had occurred. Indeed, to fail at something is nothing bad at all; to not try in the first place is regrettable.”
-Tao of Dirt

~Raul Felix

Read: Influences: Maddox, Tucker Max, APB, TC Luoma